Every New Year’s Eve is impending apocalypse in miniature. You fuck where you...
Apparently my only New Year's resolution so far is...
As I was walking through the pharmacy.
A three year old yelling at his brother: You're stupid!
Mother of the three year old: YOU SHUT UP. YOU SHUT UP RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T USE THAT WORD. I WILL FUCKING HIT YOU.
Mother is coming to New York today
Casey: Am I allowed to have some wine in front of her?
Me: Sure. I think drinking gays go to the same part of hell as sober ones.
Ira Glass is coming here in May.
Unrelated: Do you have any techniques for breaking up a marriage you could recommend? How-to books?
I almost sent you a rainbow edited version of my boobs out of boredom, just for...
"Racial Slurs in a Prominent French City."
Pollock, Jackson. "Suicide." Brain on cotton,...
You are indeed a remarkable boy.
I think I’ll eat your heart.
jenrowley asked: I <3 you.
How am I a feminist? I hate girls and I have sex with EVERYONE.
"That coat is really interesting, where did you get it from?"
"It's a skirt from a Christmas tree!"
"What color dress should I wear for NYE?"
"Teal?! What kind of seventh grade fat girl do you think I am?!"
rachelpalmer asked: How the hell was I not following you before right now?
My mother got me the same thing she does every...
A guilt trip.
"On principle, I will not respond to a text if I know it's a mass message."
"You know you're an elitist asshole, right?"
"Yes. Yes I do."
Sometimes I think I should be 100% celibate. But then I get drunk.– Brent Reichenberger (via rachelpalmer)
If you can complain using a computer do you have any right to?
Christmas has totally lost its shine for me.
I was trying to figure out why this is today, and then it hit me: Gifts. I don’t get them anymore. I don’t give a fuck about Christmas because I’m a materialistic asshole.
Monogamy is the habit of not acting on what you want.
I wanted everyone I met to be a little bit in love...
We made it fifteen minutes into the movie before we kissed. It was so easy! That...– Melissa Fesbos, Whip Smart.
I guess I’ll take solace in the fact that with a few carelessly uttered sentences I could fucking destroy you.
"But if the fisted client desires that fist as...
Things I just read.
"With a vile of cocaine..."
HOW did this get past this book’s editors? I’m currently resisting throwing it across the room.
Construction workers blocking my street forced me...
Don’t they know I can’t cross consecrated ground?
I hate slick and pretty things. I prefer mistakes and accidents. Which is why I...– David Lynch