The person who never talks shit is well-admired but not well-liked.– Mindy Kaling
I hate kids. And I’m not talking the type I hate that goes away after a series...– Max, Happy Endings
I always say things like, "You could not PAY me to...
but the truth is, you probably could.
My grandmother burnt the turkey and is asking who...
My mother then informed my grandmother that Nicki Minaj is bad news because she slapped a baby. She knows this because she read it on AOL.
My foot just fell asleep.
So, here I am shaking my shoeless foot at work like a crazy person because I didn’t feel it slip off.
I never want to have children.
That’s it. That’s my post.
Oh. Your. God.
Nobody ever asked Harry Potter if he was too drunk...
The only drawback of this new haircut:
I look absolutely insane if I don’t style it.
That guy was a mystery wrapped in an enigma and crudely stapled to a ticking...
Some people fake their deaths.
I’m faking my life.
He looked like the kind of gay who would have no issue breaking your nose if you...– Babe Walker, White Girl Problems.
bandwagonpete: lisa loeb - stay YOU’RE WELCOME
Hey, guys. I'm just curious. When did the...
He’s not an actor. He’s a pair of abs attached to an inbred two by four. There...– Dustin Rowles of Pajiba.com
I'm going to start a blog.
It’s going to be called “I Should Be So, So Fat.”
I used to wonder how my mother kept such an amazingly clean house and had so...
Do what makes you happy.
Fuck the rest.
No, really. Is it time to get drunk yet?
"My sex life is a like a rocket."
“You’re right. It’s like the Columbia.”
Is it time to get drunk yet?
A promiscuous person is a person who is having...
I wish that straight people
knew what it feels like to have their very existence be the punch line of incalculable jokes.